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THE SECRET OF DETACHMENT

Dealing with Others

“Detaching with love” is what those close to alcoholics do when they realize they can’t change them. The same principle should apply to any distressing situation, but how does it work? How can I detach from people who really bother me—especially fellow workers, or perhaps a boss or customer?

The secret of detachment is expressed in the biblical charge, “Resist not evil.” We don’t fight or resist the other person, or even try to change an-other’s behavior. We stop believing that the other person’s behavior can really control us in the future. We become impersonal about something that was once highly charged with resentment and bitterness. At no point, however, do we say that the others’ wrong behavior is all right, nor do we lie to ourselves about what the other is doing.

Detachment does not mean that the outcome will be recovery or change for the other person. That sometimes happens, and we’re grateful when it does. If we detach in the right way, however, the outcome will always be better than anything we could bring about by fighting the situation. We have to count an outcome favorable if we stay sober and under control in the midst of an insane situation.

I will detach myself from conflicts with others if they arise today. I am not going to fight anything or anybody, and I know this will bring me closer to the ideal of living at peace with everybody.
© 1996 by Hazelden Foundation

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