Mastering Resentments
We began to see that the world and its people had really dominated us. Under that unhappy condition, the wrongdoing of others, fancied or real, had the power to actually kill us, because we could be driven back to drink through resentment. We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away.
This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. So we asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend.
Today, we avoid retaliation or argument. We cannot treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, PP. 66-67
MASTERING RESENTMENTS, p. 286
We began to see that the world and its people had really dominated us. Under that unhappy condition, the wrongdoing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill us, because we could be driven back to drink through resentment. We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away.
This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. So we asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend.
Today, we avoid retaliation or argument. We cannot treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, pp. 66-67
FALSE PRIDE, p. 285
The alarming thing about pride-blindness is the ease with which it is justified. But we need not look far to see that self-justification is a universal destroyer of harmony and of love. It sets man against man, nation against nation. By it, every form of folly and violence can be made to look right, and even respectable.
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It would be a product of false pride to claim that A.A. is a cure-all, even for alcoholism.
1. GRAPEVINE, JUNE 1961
2. A.A. COMES OF AGE, p. 232
FAITH-A BLUEPRINT-AND WORK, p. 284
“The idea of ‘twenty-four-hour living’ applies primarily to the emotional life of the individual. Emotionally speaking, we must not live in yesterday, nor in tomorrow.
“But I have never been able to see that this means the individual, the group, or A.A. as a whole should give no thought whatever to how to function tomorrow or even in the more distant future. Faith alone never constructed the house you live in. There had to be a blueprint and a lot of work to bring it into reality.
“Nothing is truer for us of A.A. than the Biblical saying ‘Faith without works is dead.’ A.A.’s services, all designed to make more and better Twelfth Step work possible, are the ‘works’ that insure our life and growth by preventing anarchy or stagnation.”
LETTER, 1954
“POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL”, p.283
I had gone steadily downhill, and on that day in 1934 I lay upstairs in the hospital, knowing for the first time that I was utterly hopeless.
Lois was downstairs, and Dr. Silkworth was trying in his gentle way to tell her what was wrong with me and that I was hopeless. “But Bill has a tremendous amount of will power,” she said. “He has tried desperately to get well. We have tried everything. Doctor, why can’t he stop?”
He explained that my drinking, once a habit, had become an obsession, a true insanity that condemned me to drink against my will.
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“In the late stages of our drinking, the will to resist has fled. Yet when we admit complete defeat and when we become entirely ready to try A.A. principles, our obsession leaves us and we enter a new dimension-freedom under God as we understand Him.”
1. A.A. COMES OF AGE, p. 52
2. LETTER, 1966
INSTINCTS RUN WILD, p. 282
Every time a person imposes his instincts unreasonably upon others, unhappiness follows. If the pursuit of wealth tramples upon people who happen to be in the way, then anger, jealousy, and revenge are likely to be aroused. If sex runs riot, there is similar uproar.
Demands made upon other people for too much attention, protection, and love can invite only domination or revulsion in the protectors themselves-two emotions quite as unhealthy as the demands which evoked them. When an individual’s desire for prestige becomes uncontrollable, whether in the sewing circle or at the international conference table, other people suffer and often revolt. This collision of instincts can produce anything from a cold snub to a blazing revolution.
TWELVE AND TWELVE, p. 44
Ourselves as Individuals, p.281
There is only one sure test of all spiritual experiences: “By their fruits, ye shall know them.”
This is why I think we should question no one’s transformation–whether it be sudden or gradual. Nor should we demand anyone’s special type for ourselves, because experience suggests that we are apt to receive whatever may be the most useful for our own needs.
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Human beings are never quite alike, so each of us, when making an inventory, will need to determine what his individual character defects are. Having found the shoes that fit, he ought to step into them and walk with new confidence that he is at last on the right track.
1. Grapevine, July 1963
2. Twelve and Twelve, p.48
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Spiritually Fit, p.280
Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn’t think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so.
We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland icecap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of Scotch and ruin everything!
Alcoholics Anonymous, p.100-101
The Fine Art Of Alibis, p.279
The majority of A.A. members have suffered severely from self-justification during their drinking days. For most of us, self-justification was the maker of excuses for drinking and for all kinds of crazy and damaging conduct. We had made the invention of alibis a fine art.
We had to drink because times were hard or times were good, We had to drink because at home we were smothered with love or not none at all. We had to drink at work because we were great successes or dismal failures. We had to drink because our nation had won a war or lost a peace. And so it went, ad infinitum.
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To see how our own erratic emotions victimized us often took a long time. Where other people were concerned, we had to drop the word “blame” from our speech and thought.
12 & 12
1. pp. 46-47
2. p. 47
Speak Up Without Fear, p.278
Few of us are anonymous so far as our daily contacts go. We have dropped anonymity at this level because we think our friends and associates ought to know about A.A. and what it has done for us. We also wish to lose the fear of admitting that we are alcoholics. Though we earnestly request reporters not to disclose our identities, we frequently speak before semi-public gatherings. We wish to convince audiences that our alcoholism is a sickness we no longer fear to discuss before anyone.
If, however, we venture beyond this limit, we shall surely lose the principle of anonymity forever. If every A.A. felt free to publish his own name, picture, and story, we would soon be launched upon a vast orgy of personal publicity.
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“While the so-called public meeting is questioned by many A.A. members, I favor it myself providing only that anonymity is respected in press reports and that we ask nothing for ourselves except understanding.”
1. Grapevine, January 1946
2. Letter, 1949
To Lighten Our Burden, p.277
Only one consideration should qualify our desire for a complete disclosure of the damage we have done. That will arise where a full revelation would seriously harm the one to whom we are making amends. Or–quite as important–other people. We cannot, for example, unload a detailed account of extramarital adventuring upon the shoulders of our unsuspecting wife or husband.
It does not lighten our burden when we recklessly make the crosses of others heavy.
A Higher Power for Atheists, p.276
“I have had many experiences with atheists, mostly good. Everybody in A.A. has the right to his own opinion. It is much better to maintain an open and tolerant society than it is to suppress any small disturbances their opinions might occasion. Actually, I don’t know of anybody who went off and died of alcoholism because of some atheist’s opinions on the cosmos.
“But I do always entreat these folks to look to a ‘Higher Power’–namely, their own group. When they come in, most of their A.A. group is sober, and they are drunk. Therefore, the group is a ‘Higher Power.’ That’s a good enough start, and most of them do progress from there. I know how they feel, because I was once that way myself.”
Letter, 1962
Recovery Through Giving, p.275
For a new prospect, outline the program of action, explaining how you made a self-appraisal, how you straightened out your past, and why you are now endeavoring to be helpful to him. It is important for him to realize that your attempt to pass this on to him plays a vital part in your own recovery. Actually, he may be helping you more than you are helping him. Make it plain that he is under no obligation to you.
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In the first six months of my own sobriety, I worked hard with many alcoholics. Not a one responded. Yet this work kept me sober. It wasn’t a question of those alcoholics giving me anything. My stability came out of trying to give, not out of demanding that I receive.
1. Alcoholics Anonymous, p.94
2. Grapevine, January 1958
Going It Alone, p. 274
Going it alone in spiritual matters is dangerous. How many times have we heard well-intentioned people claim the guidance of God when it was plain that they were mistaken? Lacking both practice and humility, they deluded themselves and were so able to justify the most arrant nonsense on the ground that this was what God had told them.
People of very high spiritual development almost always insist on checking with friends or spiritual advisers the guidance they feel they have received from God. Surely, then, a novice ought not lay himself open to the chance of making foolish, perhaps tragic, blunders. While the comment or advice of others may not be infallible, it is likely to be far more specific than any direct guidance we may receive while we are still inexperienced in establishing contact with a Power greater than ourselves.
12 & 12, p. 60
Compelling Love, p.273
The life of each A.A. and of each group is built around our Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. We know that the penalty for extensive disobedience to these principles is death for the individual and dissolution for the group. But an even greater force for A.A.’s unity is our compelling love for our fellow members and for our principles.
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You might think the people at A.A.’s headquarters in New York would surely have to have some personal authority. But, long ago, trustees and secretaries alike found they could do no more than make very mild suggestions to the A.A. groups.
They even had to coin a couple of sentences which still go into half the letters they write: “Of course you are at perfect liberty to handle this matter any way you please. But the majority experience in A.A. does seem to suggest . . .”
A.A. world headquarters is not a giver of orders. It is, instead, our largest transmitter of the lessons of experience.
1. Twelve Concepts, p.8
2. 12 & 12, pp. 173-174
Troubles of Our Own Making, p.272
Selfishness–self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us!
Alcoholics Anonymous, p.62
A.A. In Two Words, p.271
“All A.A. progress can be reckoned in terms of just two words: humility and responsibility. Our whole spiritual development can be accurately measured by our degree of adherence to these magnificent standards.
“Ever deepening humility, accompanied by an ever greater willingness to accept and to act upon clear-cut obligations–these are truly our touchstones for all growth in the life of the spirit. They hold up to us the very essence of right being and right doing. It is by them that we are enabled to find and to do God’s will.”
Talk, 1965
(Printed In Grapevine, January 1966)
A.A. In Two Words, p.271
“All A.A. progress can be reckoned in terms of just two words: humility and responsibility. Our whole spiritual development can be accurately measured by our degree of adherence to these magnificent standards.
“Ever deepening humility, accompanied by an ever greater willingness to accept and to act upon clear-cut obligations–these are truly our touchstones for all growth in the life of the spirit. They hold up to us the very essence of right being and right doing. It is by them that we are enabled to find and to do God’s will.” Talk, 1965 (Printed In Grapevine, January 1966)
Honesty And Recovery, p.270
In taking an inventory, a member might consider questions such as these:
How did my selfish pursuit of the sex relation damage other people and me? What people were hurt, and how badly? Just how did I react at the time? Did I burn with guilt? Or did I insist that I was the pursued and not the pursuer, and thus absolve myself?
How have I reacted to frustration in sexual matters? When denied, did I become vengeful or depressed? Did I take it out on other people? If there was rejection,
or coldness at home, did I use this as a reason for promiscuity?
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Let no alcoholic say he cannot recover unless he has his family back. His recovery is not dependent upon people. It is dependent upon his relationship with God, however
he may define Him.
1. 12 & 12 ,pp. 50-51
2. Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 99-100
When Infancy Is Over, p.269
“You must remember that every A.A. group starts, as it should, through the efforts of a single man and his friends–a founder and his hierarchy. There is no other way.
“But when infancy is over, the original leaders always have to make way for that democracy which springs up through the grass roots and will eventually sweep aside the self-chosen leadership of the past.”
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Letter to Dr. Bob:
“Everywhere the A.A. groups have taken their service affairs into their own hands. Local founders and their friends are now on the side lines. Why so many people forget that, when thinking of the future of our world services, I shall never understand.
“The groups will eventually take over, and maybe they will squander their inheritance when they get it. It is probable, however, that they won’t. Anyhow, they really have grown up; A.A. is theirs; let’s give it to them.
Letters
1. 1950
2. 1949
