A good marriage is that in which each appoints the other guardian of his solitude.
—Rainer Maria Rilke
Solitude is vital to our well being, but in a family it’s hard sometimes to find the space and time to be alone. The house is often crowded with laughter, voices, the radio, and the TV. There are often many things going on at the same time.
It’s true that our family is a team, and that we work together, whether we intend to or not, to create the environment we live in. If it’s noisy, that’s the way we live. Noise is life to some. The fact that others need our help or company is wonderful proof of our value. But if we can be guardians of each other’s solitude, out of love for one another, we will each come back renewed, strengthened, and recreated. We can bring new life into our days when we are alone with God and ourselves.
How can I help someone find rest and renewal today?
He has the right to criticize who has the heart to help.— Abraham LincolnOur negative judgments of others very frequently inform us of our own shortcomings. In other words, what we dislike in others are often those things we hate about ourselves. Much better than criticizing another’s abhorrent behavior is a decision to look inwardly at our own collection of traits and attitudes. Our desire to criticize, to pass judgment, offers an excellent mirror of who we truly are. And the image we see reflected can guide our movements toward becoming healthier, happy individuals.We can feel a bit of gladness for what our negative reactions are able to teach us – but we must be willing to learn from them. How exciting to contemplate that every hateful moment actually is offering us a positive opportunity for change.It’s human to find fault, and we shouldn’t be overcome with shame. However, we hinder our own personal growth every time we quickly criticize another rather than rejoicing that we’ve been given an additional opportunity to move closer to the person we’re being called to become.Today I’ll look beyond others’ faults and recognize my own.From the book:
The Promise of a New Day by Karen Casey and Martha Vanceburg
Cultivate your garden. Let it take root in you until your thousand eyes open like violets to morning light.
–Nancy Paddock
In our imaginations we can mix images and ideas from all over the world–imagine the thousand eyes of a peacock growing among the purple violets, or babies that grow on trees! In our imaginations we can also nurture feelings of love, affection, self-esteem.
All of us–not just writers–can learn to see the images in our own minds. We can do this by breathing slowly, relaxing, and looking at the movie in our minds. We may see a field of wildflowers, or find ourselves wading across a stream in the mountains. We might see happiness as wildflowers and grass coming up through the sidewalk, breaking the concrete into chunks and sand, growing so slowly yet with such great power. It may help us appreciate our growth today to look at it this way.
Can I visualize my happiness right now? What does it look like?
It’s the deepest channel that runs most true.
—Kate Wolf
The greatest rivers spread themselves out wide and lazy over the earth. They roll over on themselves like great turtles turning in the warm sun. A river flows, drawn to the oceans, carving ever-deepening channels, nestling snug in the earth’s welcoming lap. The current is strongest in the deepest channel. Boat navigators know that finding that channel means finding the swiftest current and the safest voyage home.
When we look at a river, or at another person, we see only the surface. What keeps our attention is usually some movement or activity on the surface. But there is more than meets the eye, especially to people. When we overlook someone because that person is quiet or simple, we may be robbing ourselves of an eye-opening discovery.
Which deeper things can I look for in my day?
When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.
—Helen Keller
In the game of musical chairs, everyone walks around a circle of chairs. When the music stops, they scramble for the nearest open chair. If we were playing this game and found the nearest chairs taken, wouldn’t we quickly look around for the next open one? To remain immobilized, angry that the chair we wanted was taken, would undoubtedly lose our place in the game.
Sometimes in life, we set our sights on a particular chair. Perhaps there is an award we want to win, or we want to be the high scorer on our team. Perhaps there is a promotion or a job we would like to get. When we do not get what we want, it is easy to keep looking at what we didn’t get instead of seeing all we have.
It is important to be grateful for what we have – for the open doors and empty chairs waiting and inviting our attention. Loss and disappointment are a part of life – but the music will play again and our lives can move on.
What is available to me today?
Fine friendship requires duration rather than fitful intensity.
— Aristotle
Once we have embarked upon this program, we find spiritual recovery through relationships more than any other single factor. We find it through relationships with other people, with ourselves, and with our Higher Power. But most of us in recovery need to learn how to be in a relationship. We have to give up ideas that a friendship is an intense connection or a conflict-free blending of like minds.
A meaningful friendship is a long-term dialogue. If there is conflict or if we make a mistake or fail to do what our friend wants of us, we don’t end the friendship. We simply have the next exchange to resolve the differences. Our dialogue continues over time, and time – along with many amends – builds the bond. With it develops a deepening sense of reliability and trusting one another. When we have lived with our friend through many experiences – or with our Higher Power – we gain a feeling that we really know him or her in a way we could never have in a brief intense connection.
Today, I will do what I need to do to be reliable in my friendships.
From the book:
Touchstones by Anonymous
Dust on diamonds, tears we cry, first we walk, then we fly.
— Mark Chapple
“First things first,” “Easy does it,” and “Keep it simple” are the touchstones of our recovery. At first, we may grasp recovery like a drowning person. We find that the harder we hold on to our life raft, the harder it is to relax and stay afloat. Letting go a little, we begin to trust that we won’t sink. We learn to keep it simple and concentrate on only one thing at a time. We surrender to our life raft and trust that we will be gently carried ashore.
Keeping it simple means trusting others to help us. It allows us to step out of the center of the universe and hold on gently to our supportive friends and our own process of growth.
Today let me get back to basics. Keeping it simple will keep me on the right track.
From the book:
Our Best Days by Nancy Hull-Mast
The only people who never fail are those who never try.
—Ilka Chase
A boy once asked his grandfather how he had become so happy and successful in his life. “Right decisions,” replied his grandfather. The boy thought for a while and then asked a second question, “But how do you learn to make right decisions?” The grandfather answered quickly with a twinkle in his eye, “Wrong decisions!”
We, too, will learn from our “wrong decisions,” our mistakes. Whenever we try anything, there is always the possibility of failure. We must learn to not let this keep us from trying. When we are willing to try, we have already conquered our fear. We can grow no matter what the outcome is.
What failure have I turned into success?
If your life is ever going to get better, you’ll have to take risks. There is simply no way you can grow without taking chances.
—David ViscottOne sunny day a caterpillar who was afraid of the dark came to a tunnel, which lay squarely in its path. It had a choice of going back where it started, or summoning the courage to crawl into the darkness. “What shall I do?” wondered the caterpillar. “If I go back home, I won’t get where I want to go, but I’m so afraid!”Just then, a voice called out from the tunnel. “I can hear you, Mr. Caterpillar. I am Mr. Beetle. I am here in the tunnel and I can see the other end. If you come through, you won’t lose your fear of the dark, but you will get where you want to go.”We are all like the caterpillar once in a while. But if we let our fear stop us from doing things, which are necessary to our growth, we will never realize what courage we really have.Is my fear a necessary part of new experiences?
Do we really know anybody? Who does not wear one face to hide another?—Francis MarionA woman in her fifties watched her mother in her eighties struggle against the wrinkles in her face and neck, trying to hide them, pretend they weren’t there. She wanted her mother to accept that she was getting older but found her unwilling to listen.Haven’t we all run into this situation? We can learn so much just by remembering that what is right for one person may not be right for another, and others are entitled to decide how they want to behave. Often, we are just worried about ourselves, concerned, for instance, with our own ability to age gracefully. We don’t need someone else to do it for us. We can take care of ourselves.What do I worry about in another that I can take care of in myself?
The prayer of the chicken hawk does not get him the chicken.
—Swahili ProverbImagine flying high over the grassy plains searching with piercing eyes for dinner down below. The sun is warm on our backs as we catch the heated updrafts and rest, always watching, always praying, that dinner will be provided for the little ones back in the nest.Dinner will be provided, of that the hawk is sure. It has faith. But the faith and the prayer will not put the chicken in its talons. It is going to have to keep looking, and, when it spots the prey, its wings will fold back, and its sleek body will plummet out of the sky. It will brake quickly with broad wings and clasp the unsuspecting supper on the fly.Like the hawk, once we have prayed, we must get to work. Our goal isn’t going to be done for us. We can pray for the strength and wisdom we will need to get it done, and that prayer will be answered. But, as the hawk knows, it’s up to us to do the work.What is my goal today, and my first step toward it?
If it’s sanity you’re after, there’s no recipe like laughter.
—Henry Rutherford ElliotA smile is the earliest form of communication. A human infant smiles in the first few weeks of life. As the child grows, it learns how to turn the smile into a laugh – a joyous response reflecting pleasure.A sense of humor, a feeling of fun, and an ability to laugh are all signs of emotional maturity. Healthy laughter frees us; it is the sunshine that makes life’s shadows interesting. When we develop the ability to see the humor in a situation, we gain the ability to handle it.We were born with smiles. They are as much a part of us as our teeth and hair. Polished and cared for, our smiles can grow into a sense of humor that will help us through the painful times.How can I turn troubles into smiles today?
Who will tell whether one happy moment of love or the joy of breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies. . . . –Erich Fromm
A robin comes alive by breaking out of its shell. The small bird struggles to break out of the safety of the blue egg. Once out, it struggles to grow, slowly learning how to eat, walk, and fly.
We, too, struggle as we grow. There is brokenness in all of our lives–broken hearts and broken dreams. Yet these experiences open our way to a world of growing. We find comfort in the presence of a Power greater than ourselves, in the same way a baby bird finds warmth near the body of its mother. We, too, can grow stronger every day, learning to take in nourishment and trying out our new wings.
What struggles have made me as strong as I am today?
For nothing can be sole or whole that has not been rent.
—W. B. YeatsThe maple out front is young and healthy, but it grows in the shape of a Y. Neighborhood tree experts have warned that as it grows, it will split in half as the weight of the two main branches pull down against each other. One of these two beautiful branches, already lush with new leaves, must be cut. But once pruned, the remaining branch will straighten as it reaches for the sun. It will grow faster, and the whole tree will live many years longer – all by cutting it back today.Sometimes we are like this tree. We go in too many directions, and can’t seem to do any one thing well. When this happens, we need to give something up, to choose which direction we want and stick with it. The results will be well worth the price.What is holding me back from growth?
As we learn we always change, and so our perception. This changed perception then becomes a new Teacher inside each of us.
–Hyemeyohsts Storm
Hyemeyohsts Storm’s book, Seven Arrows, tells the stories of one of the Indian tribes in this country before most of its members were killed. They believed that change was important for growth. Change is sometimes frightening. We usually prefer the familiar, no matter how uncomfortable, over taking a chance on the unknown.
When fear gets in the way of making healthy changes, we talk to fear, inviting it along with us on our course of action. Getting to know fear allows us to ask it for a gift: the courage to walk with fear by our side and learn from it as we go. It allows us to learn which fear is blocking our progress and which fear is healthy–cautioning us against actions that might be harmful.
What fear might I make a friend of today?
He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself; for every man has need to be forgiven.
–Thomas Fuller
We have all seen adventure movies in which the heroes or villains are caught on a bridge that collapses. As they fall to whatever lies below, they are perhaps able to climb to one side or the other. But for the time being, their ability to cross between the two sides is gone.
When we have been hurt by people in our lives, or when we have hurt others, mutual forgiveness is needed in order to rebuild the trust between us. It is very much like rebuilding a bridge–one piece at a time. We take cautious steps at first–testing the safety and strength of our bridge.
When two people have become separated by loss or anger, it is forgiveness that can rebuild the bridge between them. Forgiveness needs time and so does the rebuilding of trust.
Can I begin to rebuild a friendship today?
Nice guys finish last.
— Leo DurocherSome of us are habitually victims, doormats, and “poor things.” No matter what, we never say no. The more we practice being nice guys the less able we are to cope creatively. We place the blame, along with the responsibility, elsewhere.Darlene modeled this for all of us at a recent meeting. She is well past fifty and has been divorced for twenty years. Yet she is still seeking sympathy for what her husband – and God -did to her. Twenty-five years ago she inherited fifty thousand dollars from her parents’ estate. Bit by bit, as she said, her alcoholic husband spent it all. It wasn’t that she gave it to him or failed to manage it herself, she explained. What happened was that he “just spent it all up. How could he do that?” The obvious, healthier question never occurred to her: How could she allow a sick person to eat up a small fortune?The moral of the story is that being “too nice” isn’t our problem.Today, I will search my conscience for evidence of irresponsibility that I may have been filing under other names.From the book:
Days of Healing, Days of Joy by Earnie Larsen and Carol Larsen Hegarty
The Fox without a TailOne day a fox became caught in a trap. In his struggle to free himself, he left his tail behind. On his way home, he devised a way to head off being made the butt of jokes. He trotted back into the forest and called together all the foxes.“Foxes are much more attractive when they do not have a tail,” he said as he wiggled his stump. “Observe how sleek my appearance is. No longer will I have to pull burrs out of my tail. I am free – and you can all be free, too! It is time for all foxes to cut off their tails.”“Nonsense!” an elder fox yelled out. “If you had not lost your own tail, my friend, you would not be urging us to lose ours as well. You must deal with your loss on your own.”The Moral of the story: Do not trust all of the advice given by others.Many in the program offer helpful support based on their experience. There are also those who give advice. Sometimes this advice is well-meaning and useful; other times it may seem suspect. Listen to the support, guidance, and advice you are given. But never let such information have a negative impact on your recovery.I will listen to the advice I am given, but will make decisions that are right for me.From the book:
Morning Light by Amy E. DeanMorning Light © 2011 by Hazelden Foundation
The crisis of our time . . . is a crisis not of the hands but of the hearts.
— Archibald MacLeishWe singlemindedly search for love, for belonging, for affirmation from others that will wipe out the torment of alienation that haunts our wakefulness and our dreams. “Does he truly care?” we wonder. “Did she try to call as she said?” Our fears, coupled with our loneliness, turn us inward and the seduction of isolation tightens its hold.Our hearts plead, sometimes silently, other times hysterically, for comfort. And paradoxically, another’s crisis can end our own. If we can hear the call from another’s heart today, our own hearts will discover the comfort we crave.If we look closely and with love toward the people so carefully placed in our midst, we’ll discover many hearts, like our own, searching for acceptance.Let’s relieve our haunting alienation and extend a hand in love to a lonely friend today.From the book:
Worthy of Love by Karen CaseyWorthy of Love by Karen Casey. © 1985 by Hazelden Foundation
Having boundaries doesn’t complicate life; boundaries simplify life. — Beyond CodependencyThere is a positive aspect to boundary setting. We learn to listen to ourselves and identify what hurt us and what we don’t like. But we also learn to identify what feels good.When we are willing to take some risks and begin actively doing so, we will enhance the quality of our life.What do we like? What feels good? What brings us pleasure? Whose company do we enjoy? What helps us to feel good in the morning? What’s a real treat in our life? What are the small, daily activities that make us feel nurtured and cared for?We have deprived ourselves too long. There is no need to do that anymore, no need. If it feels good, and the consequences are self-loving and not self-defeating, do it!Today, I will do for myself those little things that make life more pleasurable. I will not deny myself healthy treats.From the book:
The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
The Language of Letting Go © 1990 by Hazelden Foundation
