WALK IN DRY PLACES #essentialsofrecovery

THE SECRET OF DETACHMENT

Dealing with Others

“Detaching with love” is what those close to alcoholics do when they realize they can’t change them. The same principle should apply to any distressing situation, but how does it work? How can I detach from people who really bother me—especially fellow workers, or perhaps a boss or customer?

The secret of detachment is expressed in the biblical charge, “Resist not evil.” We don’t fight or resist the other person, or even try to change an-other’s behavior. We stop believing that the other person’s behavior can really control us in the future. We become impersonal about something that was once highly charged with resentment and bitterness. At no point, however, do we say that the others’ wrong behavior is all right, nor do we lie to ourselves about what the other is doing.

Detachment does not mean that the outcome will be recovery or change for the other person. That sometimes happens, and we’re grateful when it does. If we detach in the right way, however, the outcome will always be better than anything we could bring about by fighting the situation. We have to count an outcome favorable if we stay sober and under control in the midst of an insane situation.

I will detach myself from conflicts with others if they arise today. I am not going to fight anything or anybody, and I know this will bring me closer to the ideal of living at peace with everybody.

© 1996 by Hazelden Foundation 

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Just For Today #essentialsofrec #NA #Addiction #Recovery

Detachment

“Addiction is a family disease, but we could only change ourselves.”

IP No. 13, “Youth and Recovery”

Many of us come from severely damaged families. At times, the insanity that reigns among our relatives feels overwhelming. Sometimes we feel like packing our bags and moving far, far away.

We pray that our family members will join us in recovery but, to our great sadness, this does not always happen. Sometimes, despite our best efforts to carry the message, we find that we cannot help those we hold most dear. Our group experience has taught us that, frequently, we are too close to our relatives to help them. We learn that it is better to leave them in our Higher Power’s care.

We have found that when we stop trying to settle the problems of family members, we give them the room they need to work things out in their own lives. By reminding them that we are not able to solve their problems for them, we give ourselves the freedom to live our own lives. We have faith that God will help our relatives. Often, the best thing we can give our loved ones is the example of our own ongoing recovery. For the sake of our family’s sanity and our own, we must let our relatives find their own ways to recover

Just for today: I will seek to work my own program and leave my family in the care of a Higher Power.
pg. 114

© 1991 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services Inc

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WALK IN DRY PLACES #essentialsofrec #Others #Love #Recovery

THE SECRET OF DETACHMENT

Dealing with Others

“Detaching with love” is what those close to alcoholics do when they realize they can’t change them. The same principle should apply to any distressing situation, but how does it work? How can I detach from people who really bother me—especially fellow workers, or perhaps a boss or customer?

The secret of detachment is expressed in the biblical charge, “Resist not evil.” We don’t fight or resist the other person, or even try to change an-other’s behavior. We stop believing that the other person’s behavior can really control us in the future. We become impersonal about something that was once highly charged with resentment and bitterness. At no point, however, do we say that the others’ wrong behavior is all right, nor do we lie to ourselves about what the other is doing.

Detachment does not mean that the outcome will be recovery or change for the other person. That sometimes happens, and we’re grateful when it does. If we detach in the right way, however, the outcome will always be better than anything we could bring about by fighting the situation. We have to count an outcome favorable if we stay sober and under control in the midst of an insane situation.

I will detach myself from conflicts with others if they arise today. I am not going to fight anything or anybody, and I know this will bring me closer to the ideal of living at peace with everybody.
© 1996 by Hazelden Foundation

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A WOMAN’S SPIRIT #essentialsoffrec #Recovery #Dignity

As I recover, I am learning to detach with love and mind my own business with dignity.

~ Kathy Kendall ~

Very few situations actually need our input. On most occasions we can contribute most by observing or listening. Although controlling how others live and think may still appeal to us, we are learning from our friends and sponsors the wisdom of detachment and the necessity for boundaries between ourselves and others.

Our desire to “help” friends make decisions may be rooted in love: we don’t want to see our friends get hurt by making wrong choices. But the wisdom of the program tells us that we hurt our friends more by doing for them what they need to do for themselves. While this may be hard to believe at first, we can learn to trust that it is true.

It is enough to live our own lives thoughtfully. We have been given a second chance through getting clean and sober. Now it’s time to give our lives all of our attention. Let’s free other people to do the same.

I have enough to do just to live my life today. I can show my love for others best if I let them live their lives too.

© 1994 by Hazelden Foundation

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JUST FOR TODAY #essentialsofrecovery

Detachment

“Addiction is a family disease, but we could only change ourselves.”

~ IP No. 13, “Youth and Recovery” ~

Many of us come from severely damaged families. At times, the insanity that reigns among our relatives feels overwhelming. Sometimes we feel like packing our bags and moving far, far away.

We pray that our family members will join us in recovery but, to our great sadness, this does not always happen. Sometimes, despite our best efforts to carry the message, we find that we cannot help those we hold most dear. Our group experience has taught us that, frequently, we are too close to our relatives to help them. We learn that it is better to leave them in our Higher Power’s care.

We have found that when we stop trying to settle the problems of family members, we give them the room they need to work things out in their own lives. By reminding them that we are not able to solve their problems for them, we give ourselves the freedom to live our own lives. We have faith that God will help our relatives. Often, the best thing we can give our loved ones is the example of our own ongoing recovery. For the sake of our family’s sanity and our own, we must let our relatives find their own ways to recover

Just for today: I will seek to work my own program and leave my family in the care of a Higher Power.

© 1991 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services Inc. 

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Or Follow Us On Twitter #essentialsofrecovery

Just For Today #essentialsofrecovery

Detachment

“Addiction is a family disease, but we could only change ourselves.” 

IP No. 13, “Youth and Recovery”

Many of us come from severely damaged families. At times, the insanity that reigns among our relatives feels overwhelming. Sometimes we feel like packing our bags and moving far, far away.

We pray that our family members will join us in recovery but, to our great sadness, this does not always happen. Sometimes, despite our best efforts to carry the message, we find that we cannot help those we hold most dear. Our group experience has taught us that, frequently, we are too close to our relatives to help them. We learn that it is better to leave them in our Higher Power’s care.

We have found that when we stop trying to settle the problems of family members, we give them the room they need to work things out in their own lives. By reminding them that we are not able to solve their problems for them, we give ourselves the freedom to live our own lives. We have faith that God will help our relatives. Often, the best thing we can give our loved ones is the example of our own ongoing recovery. For the sake of our family’s sanity and our own, we must let our relatives find their own ways to recover

Just for today: I will seek to work my own program and leave my family in the care of a Higher Power.

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DAILY ZEN #essentialsofrec #Zen #Buddhism #Dettachment

 12
December

Lao-tze said to cultivate
Tranquility and detachment.
To be natural means
Not to force things.
When you act natural,
You get what you need,
But to know what is natural,
You have to cultivate tranquility.

- Master Hsieh

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One Day At A Time #essentialsofrec #Recovery #Grief #detachment

12
October 

GRIEF

“To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of a total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness.”

–Erich Fromm

In the years before program I lived in a bland state of non-feeling and I ran away from all painful emotions, especially loss and grief. Of course my drug of choice was always there to keep the painful emotions at bay. Whenever I experienced any kind of loss, I was always able to focus my attention on other things. Instead of feeling my own emotions, I focused on being strong for someone else whose loss I perceived to be greater than mine. For some strange reason I didn’t think I had the right to grieve.

After losing a beloved cat recently, I was overwhelmed by all the painful emotions of loss and grief. It was almost as though all of my previous losses were combined into this latest loss, but instead of running from my feelings, I allowed myself the luxury of grieving for my cat who was so special to me. This time I didn’t need to run away into my addiction. Of course it was hard and painful, but I know that allowing myself to feel even uncomfortable feelings like this is part of being alive and that means allowing myself to feel both the positive emotions and the negative ones.

One day at a time…
I will allow myself to feel both the good emotions and the bad ones. Because I have a program, I don’t need to blot them out with addictive behavior.

~ Sharon S.

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Today’s Gift from Hazelden #essentialsiofrec #Anger #recovery #Detachment

16

September  


He’s making me crazy. I don’t understand. Why would someone say they were going to do one thing, then do something so different from what they say? He looks so good and talks so good. His promises sound so, so real, but then everything falls apart. Then about the time I’m ready to blow a gasket, he calls, charms my socks off, and the whole cycle starts over again. I walk away, scratching my head and wondering, What’s wrong with me? Did I just imagine this whole thing? Did I overact? I don’t get it, I don’t understand.

Maybe it’s time for an Al-Anon meeting.

And when we’re talking on the phone, I feel like I’m the only one for him. But then when I see him, I know he’s lying to me. I know he’s seeing someone else and standing there looking me right in the eyes and lying about it. I don’t understand why I feel so insane.

Maybe it’s time for an Al-Anon meeting.

And then I catch him straight-out lying to me, and I blow up. I just can’t stand that lying stuff, especially when I knew all the time he was lying to me and he denied it. I put up with it and put up with it and then finally I can’t take it anymore. By the time I blow up, he’s standing there looking calm and serene and I’m acting like an insane person.

It’s not you, It’s him. How about that meeting?

Oh yeah. That Al-Anon meeting.

“Step One: Powerless over people, places, and things. My life has become unmanageable.” Take a deep breath. Say it again. Then say it one more time.

Detach in love. Disentangle. Un-embroil yourself from other people’s insanity so you can be restored to sanity. It’s a value many of us learned the hard way.

From the book:

52 Weeks of Conscious Contact by Melody Beattie

52 Weeks of Conscious Contact © 2003 by Melody Beattie

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Today’s Gift from Hazelden #essentialsofrec #Recovery #Program

 29
   July

Other people’s actions need not affect us

Our program friends are showing us how to detach from other people and their problems. We have learned we aren’t the cause of a family member’s alcoholism or the never-ending trauma in a friend’s life, though our family and friends may try to blame us for their difficulties. The program teaches us that we don’t have the power to make others go against their will. But when others cast blame our way, it’s been our nature to absorb it. Now we are learning how to refuse the blame.

Part of the problem is our desire to be liked. The anger or criticism that’s directed at us hurts. Few people are wholly immune to barbs from others. Even strangers can trigger reactions in us. But we can change – we can learn detachment. Our program friends are good role models. Daily we can work at letting whatever someone else says or does roll off us. In time, detachment will become our nature.

I will ask my sponsor for help if I let someone get to me today.

From the book:

A Life of My Own by Karen Casey

A Life of My Own by Karen Casey. © 1993 by Hazelden Foundation

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Fr. Martin Enabling & Detachment #essentialsofrec #Recovery #Speakers #Detachment

 8
July


Father Martin discusses enabling and detachment when it comes to alcoholism and addiction.

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Walk in Dry Places #essentialsofrec #Love #Detachment

15
March 

The Secret of Detachment
Dealing with others.

“Detaching with love” is what those close to alcoholics do when they realize they can’t change them. The same principle should apply to any distressing situation, but how does it work? How can I detach from people who really bother me____ especially fellow workers, or perhaps a boss or customer?

The secret of detachment is expressed in the biblical charge, “Resist not evil.” We don’t fight or resist the other person, or even try to change their behavior. We stop believing that the other person’s behavior can really control us in the future. We become impersonal about something that was once highly charged with resentment and bitterness. At no point, however, do we say that the others’ wrong behavior is all right, nor do we lie to ourselves about what the other is doing.

Detachment does not mean that the outcome will be recovery or change for the other person. That sometimes happens, and we’re grateful when it does. If we detach in the right way, however, the outcome will always be better than anything we could bring about by fighting the situation. We have to count an outcome favorable if we stay sober and under control in the midst of an insane situation.

I will detach myself from conflicts with others if they arise today. I am not going to fight anything or anybody, and I know this will bring me closer to the ideal of living at peace with everybody.

Why not sign up to get emails with all daily posts included?