Reflection For The DayWhen we’re new in The Program, we’re novices at reaching out for friendship — or even accepting it when it’s offered. Sometimes we’re not quite sure how to do it or, indeed, whether it will actually work. Gradually, however, we become restored; we become teachable. We learn, for example, as Moliere wrote, “The more we love our friends, the less we flatter them.” Just for today, will I not show anyone that my feelings are hurt?
Today I PrayMay God help me to discover what true friendship is. In my new relationships, I pray that I may not be so eager for approval that I will let myself be dishonest — through flattery, half-truths, false cheeriness, protective white lies.
Today I Will RememberA friend is honest.
SINCERITY
The more we love our friends, the less we flatter them; it is by excusing nothing that pure love shows itself.
~ Moliere ~
The concern we display for those new to our Program must always be sincere and honest. When beginners ask for advice, our answer mustn’t be phony, but we also need to soften the blow by “truth with love.” We can do this by promising them that life will get better if they really want spiritual growth and if they are freely willing to change their attitudes.
If we “con” anyone with false promises because we don’t want to hurt their feelings, they will become our enemy when they find out the truth. This will surely happen when their recovery becomes secure.
If someone in the Fellowship makes me angry by telling a truth that brings me progress, let me be sincere enough to tell them I am grateful.
©1990 by Anonymous. All rights reserved. Published by Hazelden.
TRUE BROTHERHOOD
We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension.
–TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 53
This message contained in Step Four was the first one I heard loud and clear; I hadn’t seen myself in print before! Prior to my coming into A.A., I knew of no place that could teach me how to become a person among persons. From my very first meeting, I saw people doing just that and I wanted what they had. One of the reasons that I’m a happy, sober alcoholic today is that I’m learning this most important lesson.
A.A. Thought for the DaySince I’ve been in AA, have I made a start toward becoming more loving to my family and friends? Do I visit my parents? Am I more appreciative of my spouse than I was before? Am I grateful to my family for having put up with me? Have I found real understanding with my children? Do I feel that the friends I’ve found in AA are real friends? Do I believe that they are always ready to help me and do I want to help them if I can? Do I really care now about other people?Meditation for the DayNot what you do so much as what you are, that is the miracle-working power. You can be a force for good, with the help of God. God is here to help you and to bless you, here to company with you. You can be a worker with God. Changed by God’s grace, you shed one garment of the spirit for a better one. In time, you throw that one aside for a yet finer one. And so from character to character, you are gradually transformed.Prayer for the DayI pray that I may accept every challenge. I pray that each acceptance of a challenge may make me grow into a better person.© 1954, 1975, 1992 by Hazelden Foundation
Friends and amends—keeping it simple“We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”Step Nine––––=––––In every relationship, we don’t always handle things the way we would have hoped. But friendships don’t have to end when we make mistakes; instead, we can make amends. If we are sincerely willing to accept the responsibilities involved in friendship and make the amends we owe, those friendships can become stronger and richer than ever.Making amends is simple. We approach the person we have harmed and say, “I was wrong.” Sometimes we avoid getting to the point, evading an admission of our own part in the affair. But that frustrates the intent of the Ninth Step. To make effective amends, we have to keep it simple: we admit our part, and leave it at that.There will be times when our friends won’t accept our amends. Perhaps they need time to process what has happened. If that is the case, we must give them that time. After all, we were the ones in the wrong, not them. We have done our part; the rest is out of our hands.––––=––––Just for today: I want to be a responsible friend. I will strive to keep it simple when making amends.
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FRIENDSHIP
The only reward for virtue, the only way to have a friend is to be one.
~ Emerson ~
Friendship is not a one-word motto to be hung on a wall. Friends are not statues to decorate a mantle. Friendships are as real to us as love and gratitude, and friends are as much a part of all our lives as the air we breathe.
Without friends we could not enjoy the full benefits of recovery. All the truths we follow daily we receive from friends through hearing and reading their messages but mostly by watching them in action. Our primary goal is to add to our wisdom by giving. Without friendships, our caring and sharing would be empty gestures.
None of us needs ever to be alone again, because each of us in our own way works for the good in others. We are bound together with a common problem and work together on a solution.
If I permit myself to become incapable of friendship, I will find that I will be unable to reveal myself to others and to my inner self.
©1990 by Anonymous. All rights reserved. Published by Hazelden®.
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You can make more friends in two months by becoming
interested in other people than you can in two years
of trying to get other people interested in you.
~ Dale Carnegie
We wanted friends, but our addiction wanted all our attention. We had no time to be close to others.
Well, stand aside, addiction! The program has taught us that others are important. Our purpose is to help others. People have become what’s important to us.
Now we listen to others. We help them do what they want to do, not what we want them to do. We help people instead of use them. Friendship is now a way of life. And another promise of the program becomes a part of us.
Prayer for the Day
Higher Power, help me to know that I’m here to help others, not just myself. Through others, I find myself.
Today’s Action
Today I’ll help someone in the way he or she wants to be helped.
Copyright © 1988 by Hazelden Foundation
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Good friends, if you would cultivate imperturbability, just whenever you see people, do not see their right or wrong, good or bad, faults or troubles; then your own nature is immovable. Good friends, even though the bodies of deluded people be immobile, yet when they open their mouths to speak of the right and wrong, strengths and weaknesses, good and bad of other people, they turn away from the path. If you cling to mind or cling to purity, this veils the truth.
What is called sitting meditation? In this way there is no obstruction, no impediment. When outwardly, in the midst of all pleasant or unpleasant realms, thoughts do not arise in the mind, this is called “sitting.” Inwardly to see that one’s own nature does not move is called “meditation.”
- Hui-neng (638-713)
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Listen to your feelings. They tell you when you need to take care of yourself, like finding a friend if you feel lonely, crying if you feel sad, singing and smiling if you feel happy, and acting frisky if you feel good. –Pat Palmer
When we get too much of anything–too much fun or too much work–we may feel really crummy when it’s over.
One way to listen to our crummy feelings is to say, “Here comes the letdown after all that fun.” We can imagine a spaceship falling to earth, floating on the ocean. Coming down to earth is as much a part of the adventure as the countdown and blastoff.
A letdown for us means we need to let our bodies and minds rest, just like the spaceship, bobbing around without any special direction. We need to take it easy, do nothing, put off making plans.
Then we can ask God to help us let go of the crummy feelings that come along with a letdown. We can ask the spirit within us to guide us through this time of change. Then we will let down and let go.
What are some things I can do to take it easy the next time I feel down?
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Agreement is usually not necessaryMany of us have lived as if we always had to be right. We did not stop to notice that other things we cared about were being lost such as friends who got tired of our persistent need to be right, or children whose self-esteem was undermined when there was no room for their ideas, or a former mate who drifted away because we could relax only if we were proven right. In our differences there is much more to look at and far more to settle than who is right and who is wrong.An intimate connection is simply communicating our differences to each other and understanding them. Agreement is usually not necessary. Our partnership gives us an opportunity to view the world intimately through someone else’s eyes. Defeating our differences defeats our opportunities to learn. We need just exclaim, Oh that’s another way to see it!Our task is to learn how our partner sees the world. We grow because we gain a second outlook.From the book:
The More We Find In Each Other by Merle Fossum and Mavis Fossum
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Many Groups and Clubs permit a little “friendly game” in the clubrooms. Far be it from us to criticize anyone for anything, as we like a little game occasionally ourselves. But we have all known of cases where the games got out of control. We have well-deserved reputations for intemperance. Card games can be the breeding place for a grand emotional upset and, incidentally, it does not help a fellow’s chances of sobriety to send him home broke to the wife and kids.
Hazelden Foundation
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Friends should be chosen carefully, because loving them will change our hearts and souls.~ Jane Nakken ~We may not have picked our friends carefully in our youth. Many of us felt pressured to hang out with a crowd that didn’t share our values. We frequently lived up to their expectations of us rather than our own. The internal conflict was painful, and we may still suffer from it. The blessing for us now is that we have the Twelve Steps to rely on for clarification and support of our values.Having friends we can trust, friends who share our values, is one of the many gifts of this recovery program. We no longer have to feel different, isolated, or self-conscious because of our values or our secrets. We can dare to let others know who we really are, and we are learning they won’t go away. Discovering the joy of friendships that nurture us helps us continue our careful selection of friends. Our youthful experiences with friends need never be repeated.#Frinds© 1994 by Hazelden Foundation
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You can make more friends
in two months by becoming
interested in other people
than you can in two years
of trying to get other people
interested in you.~ Dale Carnegie ~We wanted friends, but our addiction wanted all our attention. We had no time to be close to others.Well, stand aside, addiction! The program has taught us that others are important. Our purpose is to help others. People have become what’s important to us.Now we listen to others. We help them do what they want to do, not what we want them to do. We help people instead of use them. Friendship is now a way of life. And another promise of the program becomes a part of us.Prayer for the DayHigher Power, help me to know that I’m here to help others, not just myself. Through others, I find myself.Today’s ActionToday I’ll help someone in the way he or she wants to be helped.
Copyright © 1988 by Hazelden Foundation
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Reflection For The Day
I know today that I no longer have to proceed on my own. I’ve learned that it’s safer, more sensible and surer to move forward with friends who are going in the same direction as I. None of us need feel shame at using help, since we all help each other. It’s no more a sign of weakness to use help in recovering form my addiction than it is to use a crutch if I have a broken leg. To those who need it, and to those who see its usefulness, a crutch is a beautiful thing. Do I sometimes still refuse to accept easily-obtained assistance?
Today I Pray
God make me see that it is not a sign of weakness to ask for help, that the camaraderie of the group is what makes it work for each of us. Like a vaccine for diphtheria or polio, The Program and the strength of the group have proved themselves as preventives for slips and backsliding. Praise God for the tools of recovery.
Today I Will Remember
Help is as near as my telephone.
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Built by the One and the Many, p. 155We give thanks to our Heavenly Father, who, through so many friends and through so many means and channels, has allowed us to construct this wonderful edifice of the spirit in which we are now dwelling–this cathedral whose foundations already rest upon the corners of the earth.On its great floor we have inscribed our Twelve Steps of recovery. On the side walls, the buttresses of the A.A. Traditions have been set in place to contain us in unity for as long as God may will it so. Eager hearts and hands have lifted the spire of our cathedral into its place. That spire bears the name of service. May it ever point straight upward toward God.“It is not only to the few that we owe the remarkable developments in our unity and in our ability to carry A.A.’s message everywhere. It is to the many, indeed, it is to the labors of all of us that we owe these prime blessings.”
1. A.A. Comes Of Age, p. 234
2. Talk, 1959
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It is harder to go to an enemy than to a friend, but we find it much more beneficial to us. We go to him in a helpful and forgiving spirit, confessing our former ill feeling and expressing our regret.
~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th edition, Into Action, page 77
Friends and amends—keeping it simple
“We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”Step Nine––––=––––In every relationship, we don’t always handle things the way we would have hoped. But friendships don’t have to end when we make mistakes; instead, we can make amends. If we are sincerely willing to accept the responsibilities involved in friendship and make the amends we owe, those friendships can become stronger and richer than ever.Making amends is simple. We approach the person we have harmed and say, “I was wrong.” Sometimes we avoid getting to the point, evading an admission of our own part in the affair. But that frustrates the intent of the Ninth Step. To make effective amends, we have to keep it simple: we admit our part, and leave it at that.There will be times when our friends won’t accept our amends. Perhaps they need time to process what has happened. If that is the case, we must give them that time. After all, we were the ones in the wrong, not them. We have done our part; the rest is out of our hands.––––=––––Just for today: I want to be a responsible friend. I will strive to keep it simple when making amends.
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Friends, I know nothing which brings suffering as does an untamed, uncontrolled, unattended and unrestrained heart. Such a heart brings suffering.
- Anguttara Nikaya
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Who is the bravest hero? He who turns his enemy into a friend.
— Hebrew Proverb
In recovery we take our worst enemy, addiction, and turn it around. We were ashamed of our addiction. Over time we become proud of our recovery. We were our own worst enemy. Now we’re our own best friend. We are brave people.
Being brave is about facing our fears. Often we think brave people don’t get afraid, but this isn’t true. Brave people learn to stay put, even when their knees are shaking. Many times in recovery, we will want to run when we should stay put. We may even think about using chemicals again.
We need to remember our bravery and how we turned our worst enemy into a friend.
Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, teach me when to run and when to stay put. Help me be brave.
Action for the Day: I will claim bravery today. I’ll hold my head up high and be proud of how far I’ve come. I now have nothing to be ashamed of.
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Isn’t it strange to note the absence of a lot of our old pre-AA friends over the week-end? We have not offended them, surely, and we are just as good friends as we used to be, but somehow, they don’t call on us with the same regularity. The answer is simple — the bar is closed.Now home is what it should be and the people who do call do so because they like us and not just to get a drink.
Published by Hazelden
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